Nervous Newsreader

It’s Snowing, SAVE YOURSELVES, HEAD QUICKLY TO YOUR NEAREST EVACUATION CENTER.

Why is it that when England has a large amount of snow, the news goes ballistic. Headlines include “TRAFFIC CHAOS” “MASSIVE DISRUPTION” and “ENGLAND GRINDS TO A HALT”. Some parks in London has even been closed for ‘Health and Safety’…….

It wont be long before we hear stories like that of Harry Gobbleford from Lincolnshire:

For him, it was like any other day, and he was on his way to the local orphanage where he did regular charity work. Being a decorated veteran of  numerous conflicts, he was not afraid of the snow. But this was to be a fatal mistake, shortly after leaving his house, he was immediately engulfed in snow, he didnt stand a chance, he slowly drowned. Passers by tried to help him, but it was already too late, he had been overcome. An eye witness said, “the snow just came from no where, it was savage, just a pure blood lust, NO-ONE IS SAFE”.

A spokesperson from the orphanage has said that without Harry’s Fund raising, they would have to close. The snow had meant they had to pay for major repairs to their roof, but now they had no means of paying for them. To settle the debts they would have to close and sell the children to Albanian sex traffickers, just to pay their bills.

Or what about the tragic story of Miranda Applewood:

Miranda had just left her local branch of Starbucks, she had got her favorite coffee and was on her way to Stella Mccartney’s studio for a fitting. A rogue patch of sunlight burst from the sky and reflected off the snow at her feet, blinding her. She fell back, and poured her boiling hot Wankachino all over her face. She suffered third degree burns, she will never model again.

What about the positives? Snow is awesome, everyone knows that, lets have some stories about kids making massive snowmen or how the country is now a lovely shade of white (with small bits of yellow). Instead we have to listen to some cretin at a regional transport control center, talking about various roads that are full of slow moving traffic. Who really gives a shit?

For kids, this will be the highlight of their year, not only have they got a day off! But they get to spend that day making snowmen and pelting each other with snow balls. Fantastic! Although parents will be worried for them, “put on your warm coats children”, as opposed to the ‘cold’ coats they are wearing. Being forced to wear their dads size 12 boots as some sort of make shift snow shoes, trudging around falling face first into the snow.

The culmination of my annoyance was watching BBC London news, the news reader was interviewing London Mayor Boris Johnson, grilling him over the city’s reaction to the snow. The Question that was put to him was this, “Berlin and New York can cope with snow like this, why not London?”. His reply should have been, “Because they have snow like this every year you stupid bitch, so they are prepared and have a fleet of snow plows”. However having actual political power seems to have tamed poor Boris, so instead he had to give a polite answer about resource allocation.

I’d imagine if he did go and buy a fleet of snow plows, the headlines would read “MENTAL BORIS SPENDS MILLIONS ON OBSOLETE PLOWS”.

It’s not the fatness of the person that annoys me, but the need to constantly moan about it. Fat people are always prepared to defend themselves, they always have excuses ready, such as “I don’t like salads”, “I get hungry between snacks” and “but I like the taste of lard”…what!? Well some fatties might say that! Anyway, I just don’t understand how none of them can realize, if they eat and then burn off that energy, they won’t get fat…. Simple, but perhaps they get the ‘if they eat…’ part and then go get some food.

Where I used to work there was a fat person that always stole something of peoples plates. Depending on how long you’re not looking, from a chip, to well let’s face it, the whole turkey at our works Christmas party. In fact I learnt a technique, which I stole from Jurassic Park, of watching my glass of water, to know when she was waddling about.

And what’s the deal with fat people hating normal people? that’s right, I said NORMAL people.

It’s almost become accepted that fat people can slag off anyone with a healthy weight, “look at her, the skinny bitch, i bet she just eats a blade of grass a day”. The fat person then chuckles and with that, her whole body jiggles. On the other hand, shouting “Look at that fatty” and then poking the fat person repeatedly with a stick, is suddenly classed as ‘mean’.

Its getting harder and harder to avoid fat, wheezing, smelly people, unless you work at the gym, but people are getting fatter and larger, I recently realized I could avoid them by turning on my Satnav!

However I did feel sorry for one fat person recently when I went to visit a relative in hospital. There was an old guy that was very large, walking with a Zimmer frame and he did look very worn out and had a determined look on his face, It was as if he’s almost pushing past the pain, I felt really bad for him inside. But at that moment, I realized he was just visiting a fat relative, who had just received cake, who himself was too fat to get the cake, he was racing, yes racing, to get the first piece!

One of the reasons given to me for joining is because it’s meant to be social, but surely going on the computer to talk to your friends and finding out relevant information such as, ‘Ben has joined the ‘Those who partake in Afro Dancing whilst under the influence of Alcohol’ (oh yes, it’s a group!) is defeating the object somewhat!?

Shortly after joining this ‘fun’ site, someone poked me, I thought they were starting a fight!,  What’s this about Pirates Vs Ninjas? surely the pirates have a slight disadvantage

The whole idea of Facebook is to meet long lost friends, though there is a reason I don’t talk to certain people, yes I’m talking about you ‘Stalky Steve’

What’s the deal with this wall? Someone wrote on my wall and I wrote my reply on theirs , his neighbors didn’t like it, because his house is semi detached, but this just brings up the problem of a one sided conversation:

Here was one such conversation:

Sue: How were u feeling last night?

Rachel: Good thanks, but I got home and jack left the frying pan on and almost set it alight

Sue: Oh my god, did you make it to the pan in time

Rachel: Yeah just but I ended up with fry-up all over the new floor!!, and I was cleaning it ALL night

Sue: It was all over the floor, OMG!

Rachel: Yeah and to top that the tea towel combusted a little later!

Sue: Ah your ring must have been alight

Rachel: Yeah it was left on low, but I’m going to have serious words with him tomorrow

I only saw Sue’s side………

I imagine other people join the site willingly, under the false pretense that it will let you keep track of important events your friends are doing, such as ‘having a lazy day’…

And seriously now, is the number of pictures a contest? Because I’m not sure about you, but I’m not going to look at 802 pictures of someone on holiday and down the pub… I mean seriously, who is going to look at them all? Again I’m looking at you ‘Stalky Steve’

A Knock at the door, in many households this creates great tension…  you quietly discuss it amongst yourselves… “whos that…?”, “It’s not for me!”, “Is that for you?” .  But if anyone just answered the door straight away it will become instantly obvious, but no!

Still tense… questions pass through your mind, is my hair sticking up, again, who could it be?, whilst fumbling for the correct key you’re still trying to guess, maybe its the gas man… ooo no, a package!
Maybe another needless item from amazon has arrived…

You open the door in eager anticipation whilst flattening your hair… its ok it seems flat enough.

‘dun duuun duuuuun’,  Jehovas witnesses, your fight or flight kicks in. Do you make an excuse and flee? Or stand your ground proclaiming “I dont believe in god” or “I’m the devils son…”
Yes, we all have these excuses ready.

But I froze, the fight or flight instinct confused my brain and I just let out a small squeak…I panicked!

After receiving a colourful magazine from a rather forceful old lady, I drifted off wondering whether people walked door to door explaining how they don’t believe in god. Explaining how the particularly hairy Simon Cowel is the Missing Link, and how its highly unlikely how all these people from different countries could be in one place to witness… well Jehova apparently.

Startled back into the single minded, sorry, “correct” belief, as informed several times by this ‘delightful’ old lady, she continued for several more minutes boasting about her religion. She left, you’re usually left dazed, confused and traumatized, thinking about what the hell had just happened. At the end of the day, its people literally selling their religion, I was almost tempted to ask for a free Parker Pen for listening.

The knock knock, its not a joke, its scary and usually full of weirdos, well this day and age I suppose it’s ding dong , but it just doesn’t have the same ring… get it… ring…

Anyway gotta go, someone at the door… oh God, I mean, oh Jehovah …  oh bugger it!

Expect some vaguely amusing ramblings somewhere amongst the tripe, the fun however, is trying to find them.

Included are stories, drawings, reviews and well probably… well lets be frank, more moaning